Social tradition and the urban life of a major city are not two ideas that one frequently finds in the same box.  Tradition often denotes establishment, refinement, permanence and quality.  Urban life tends to denote change, impermanence, randomness, confrontation, and modernity.  These two concepts seem mutually exclusive to a degree, but in reality there is a huge need particularly for tradition to pollinate into urban life, for individuals to be able to grow with a proper rooting in who they are as people or groups in a society that is always marching onward.

For the past eight Christmas’ in a row, six as a single man, the last two as a married man, I have hosted a dinner party at my home, providing five to seven different home-made courses for up to 45 people.  I initiated this tradition in 2004 as a way of gathering my single and married friends together for a nice sit-down dinner meal during the holidays.  I would set placemats on the table, along with wine glasses and cloth napkins to create an evening that many of us, single or married, do not experience today in our instant, casual, consumer-driven culture.

I have considered for a number of years the idea of what makes a place inviting to where people want to come and congregate and stay.  I have hosted for a number of years different events related to broadening individuals’ and groups’ perspectives about the world.  These events have included themed parties, church mission-oriented events, or a mixture of the two.  I have also hosted foreign visitors in my home, and eaten a number of meals around the dinner table in foreign homes.  I was searching for that idea of third place before I heard the term used a while back referring to those public places where people congregate.  Let’s consider what is referred to as the “third place”.  Wikipedia describes it as a term used in the concept of community building to refer to social surroundings separate from the two usual social environments of home and the workplace. In his influential book The Great Good Place, Ray Oldenburg(1989, 1991) argues that third places are important for civil society, democracy, civic engagement, and establishing feelings of a sense of place.

Oldenburg calls one's "first place" the home and those that one lives with. The "second place" is the workplace — where people may actually spend most of their time. Third places, then, are "anchors" of community life and facilitate and foster broader, more creative interaction. All societies already have informal meeting places; what is new in modern times is the intentionality of seeking them out as vital to current societal needs. Oldenburg suggests these hallmarks of a true "third place": free or inexpensive; food and drink, while not essential, are important; highly accessible: proximate for many (walking distance); involve regulars – those who habitually congregate there; welcoming and comfortable; both new friends and old should be found there.

There are several general areas we can consider as we strive to make our homes more inviting, and use them to intersect with others in a meaningful  way. 

The first is: does your home allow for shared social experiences through events, food and beverage, entertainment offered and in general simply being a good place to meet? 

1.Do you view your home as not just yours but also an environment meant to be shared with others?- Obviously if you have purchased your home through the saving of money that you have earned and you are making payments on it, the home is yours.  How did you actually come upon those resources though that you used to purchase your home?  For those who happen to be Christians, they appreciate that all resources belong to God. He has provided the share that He has to you to enable you to use that place for purposes that glorify Him.  Do you have a community that you are involved in that you treat as a family?  Are those people welcome in your home at any time?  Does that sharing of your home with your extended community extend to strangers, i.e. foreign visitors who are in town and are looking for a home-stay, immigrants who come to your city who need to know more about the local culture, neighbors, and others outside your social circle?

2.Do people get excited when they consider an event in your home or coming to your home? – Is the way that you deal with people who you interact with fresh and engaging?  Do you consider every occasion that someone comes into your home to be a new experience with a new starting point?  If you are growing and developing every day, your life will be fresh and full of new meaning from which others can benefit.  If you apply that same thought process to other people who come into your home as guests, you will be less likely to take them or the situations that brought them to you for granted. 

3.Do you have an attitude of what’s mine is yours as it relates to the food that you share with others in your home? – Eating is an experience that every individual in mankind must do in order to survive.  Are you mentally measuring out how many helpings of a particular dish one of your guests takes?  Do they detect an attitude of measurement here?  How would you like to be treated if you were the guest in someone else’s home?  One example I will cite here is one which involved extreme circumstances.  In Biblical Old Testament accounts, there was a famine and in I Kings 17:8-16 the prophet Elijah was told to go to a starving widow with a son to ask her to provide for his food needs.  The woman facing very dire human conditions with only enough food remaining in her home for one last meal, provided the food to him.  Her trust of God during this time and sharing of her very meager resources was rewarded by not running out of food during the remainder of the famine.  During World War II, some Europeans living under German occupation risked their lives and their families’ welfare by offering sanctuary and food to Jewish neighbors.  In the 1600’s during the height of the Thirty Years War which ended up reducing Germany’s population from 16 million to 6 million persons, Martin Rinkart, a noted German pastor, continually gave out food to starving people in his besieged town, even as his own family suffered.  Looking at these extreme examples of selfless giving in the face of misery and dire conditions places thoughts about sharing with others in need today in a completely different perspective.

4.Is mealtime in your home a necessary evil just to put food in your stomach or is it more of an event which defines the evening?- Before the advent of television, families always sat around the dining table in the evening and spoke to one another.  People were not rushing in and out.  Food was seen as providing sustenance and people were not gobbling it down in order to race to a meeting or event.  Eating was a healthful and life giving activity.  Like working and sleeping, it required time to put together. 

5.Are your guests welcome to get up and help themselves to more food without asking for permission? – Here again, do you have a real hands off approach when it comes to your possessions and blessings?  Is the serving of food an act of love for you to express?  How do you view the economy of your possessions and very specifically the food you have in your house?  If you deplete your pantry in order to serve others, do you believe the food will be there again tomorrow?  When Jesus fed the 5,000, he had his disciples distribute five loaves of bread and two fish.  Obviously, the fact that He multiplied that out by His power to feed 5,000 persons is a great miracle.  Nevertheless, it can be an object lesson for today to believe that there will always be enough resources to enable us to share our lives with others. 

6.Are others free to use your home even when you are not there? – How free are you with your possessions?  Do you own them or do they own you?  Does your home have a purpose above and beyond simply being there for your use as a habitation?  I know a couple who own a lake house.  They have regularly allowed others to use it for a few days as a get-away from the big city.

7.Do you have a big interest about new places and things going on in your community? – In a large city things are changing all of the time.  Having an interest in community happenings enables you to be on top of where and how the community culture is impacting different people and it gives you the ability to cater to the needs of those who come into your home with a bit more creativity.  Here again, my wife and I regularly try to work into our schedules festivities in the community, a special at a brand new wine bar, a free classical concert at a church, or something similar.  If we can help someone else, for instance, a visitor to Dallas, by telling them where to go where they will get an unusual experience, we are placing our imprint on the culture and establishing ourselves as people who can be reliable for pointing others to where they need to go.  If others can come to us for our community knowledge, we also have a forum to intersect into their lives in other ways as well. 

8.Do you visit new places and experiences in your community? – If you do, you can get ideas regarding how you might host others in a venue that you really like that they might also enjoy.  It also makes you interesting as you can talk about something different that you experienced.  Public places that are very aware of their competition often get along well with repeat visitors as they are continually trying to improve the visitor experience at their restaurant, entertainment center or other development.  The business model of the successful restaurant can be brought to the home hospitality level.

9.Are you reasonably informed about the social-cultural-political life in your community? – Do you do enough reading of the local news to be up-to-date with it?  You never know when you might be able to show hospitality to someone who is involved in one way or the other in making significant impacts.  Part of being a good host is staying on top of the things that are going on in your city hall, schools, cultural communities and neighborhoods.  In some ways you can act as an ambassador and in some respects you are an ambassador of your community if you are hosting a guest from another city, or if you are hosting even people who live in your community who are not as aware about the things going on as you are.  You have the opportunity to influence them to your way of thinking


The second area to consider is do you cultivate an environment of openness and safety to visitors who come into your home?

1.Can you and your guests place your feet on the sofa? – One way that you and others who come into your home know that you are comfortable is if you can peel some of the layers off yourself when people are in your home.  If you can take off your shoes and place your feet on the sofa while you are propping yourself up on the edge of the couch, your guests see someone who is completely relaxed.  They don’t perceive one who is looking at his watch or doing those tasks that signify that an event is over.  You and your guests are also on the same level here.  If you want your home to reflect the idea of “community”, you will have to be comfortable enough to make your guests equal to you in your home. 

2.Can people stop by without a pre-arranged appointment? – How “open” is your front door?  Is it a place that people can come to at any time, even those times when it is not particularly convenient?  Many times in the Old Testament, people would travel great distances and they needed a place where they could eat, get refreshed and bed down for the night.  An account of the Biblical patriarch Abraham reads as follows:

Genesis 18: 1 Now the LORD appeared to him by the oaks of Mamre, while he was sitting at the tent door in the heat of the day. 2 When he lifted up his eyes and looked, behold, three men were standing opposite him; and when he saw them, he ran from the tent door to meet them and bowed himself to the earth, 3 and said, “My Lord, if now I have found favor in Your sight, please do not pass Your servant by. 4 Please let a little water be brought and wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree; 5 and I will bring a piece of bread, that you may refresh yourselves; after that you may go on, since you have visited your servant.” And they said, “So do, as you have said.” 6 So Abraham hurried into the tent to Sarah, and said, “Quickly, prepare three measures of fine flour, knead it and make bread cakes.” 7 Abraham also ran to the herd, and took a tender and choice calf and gave it to the servant, and he hurried to prepare it. 8 He took curds and milk and the calf which he had prepared, and placed it before them; and he was standing by them under the tree as they ate. 

When it comes to your home and your routine are you capable of placing those aside or putting them in a secondary position to people and the way in which your home can help to meet their needs?

3.Are people who come to your home welcome to stay until the wee hours of the morning? – Do you consider the evenings when you have people in your home, as events that if they wanted to stay and sleep on your floor it would not stress you out too much?  Do you enjoy people enough to where you really desire to share your life with them?  Many times some of the best conversations happen in a home after most people have left and it is the host and a couple of guests.  They can sit around the living room and speak on a level that might be slightly less inhibited than when they were sharing a table with ten other people.  The public places in our city that maintain their popularity are often those that are not turning out their lights until the party’s over.  Yes, they are intent upon making money, but they realize there is a financial reward through the investment in the concept of community.  They want to be that place where people come back to over and over. 

4.Are you open to all types of people and inputs? – How tolerant are you to experiences that you did not necessarily grow up with?  Can you get past your preferential biases and see the value in others, not just intellectually, but also in your heart?  Exchange programs are great ways to broaden your cultural horizons if you do not have a lot of cross cultural experience, and if you do, they are a great way to reinforce the experience that you do have and just enable you to get that much deeper in your appreciation of another’s cultural perspective.  My personal experience here involves participating in a Rotary Exchange program as a student to Germany.  I was able to also spend a summer in Poland during the 1980’s, when it was still a Communist Eastern bloc country.  In the 1990’s, I visited Czech Republic seven years in a row and stayed with people in their homes.  I have had several occasions to host international visitors in my home from one night to several weeks at a time, from Germany, Czech Republic, South Africa and Zimbabwe.  I have also been a friendship partner and mentor to students and professionals from Ecuador, Taiwan, China, and Russia.  One thing that is very important when participating in activities such as this is that one should focus on the needs of the guest and show him or her the degree of hospitality one would want to receive and also recognize that every little encounter that they have, participating as hosts lends a positive impression on the potential recipients.  A hot issue for many people is illegal immigration.  While it is well and right to want and even demand that the integrity of our country’s borders be respected, telling some random individual on the street “Go back where you came from” is not helpful to the reputation of the United States.  Ultimately we have to remember that all men and women, no matter their race or nationality are traced right back to Adam.  Religious beliefs and items such as the foundations of our societies should be sacrosanct.  Many other things are some person’s viewpoint, based upon their individual experiences.  Respecting the individual while at the same time disagreeing with them, can provide me a bit of room to honestly assess where our common areas of agreement are and how we might build upon them for our mutual benefit.

5.Are you comfortable receiving this type of hospitality? – A number of people don’t want to be too hospitable because it is a lot of effort and they don’t want to go to the effort that it takes.  If they receive this type of hospitality as a gift, they feel under obligation to reciprocate instead of just accepting it and blessing the provider with their presence.  We can’t all host with the same ease of facility. 

6.Do people feel safe sharing anything in your home knowing it will not be repeated elsewhere? – Many people are leaky faucets of information that they have been given.  If you place much effort in the physical security of your home, do you place the same amount of care in the security of your mouth?  People’s stories are their individual stories.  They do not belong to you or your friends.  If your guest or friend tells you something intimate about themselves, that is a gift for you to guard with all diligence.

7.How curious are you about new things? – This will determine many of the above points.  If you enjoy learning about new things, stretching and challenging your mind, you are going to be better able to consider how new concepts and methodologies can be used by you to further your quality of life and the things you hold to be sacrosanct that you desire to promote.

The third area concerns the visual character of your home.  Is it one that is in good physical condition, in a good public environment and one with an identity? 

1.Is your home reasonably clean? – It is nice to visit a home that is lived in and comfortable enough where the people can feel comfortable in placing their feet on the sofa.  However, cleanliness and tidiness help the guest to not feel too crowded

2.Is your home physically a place that people can enjoy being in? – Are the interior furnishings comfortable enough so that all people, no matter what their background, can feel at ease there?  This is not an argument against having nice things.  Many times those can be tastefully incorporated throughout a home to enrich its interior.  At the same time, if your home has the “museum look” of one of those early American homes or Renaissance European villas, people may be impressed while not necessarily wanting to linger.

3.Does the layout of your home flow in a way that makes people comfortable? – This may or may not be easy to fix.  The Chinese use the term feng shui to describe it.  I do not ascribe to the religious associations with feng shui.  At the same time, I appreciate how the flow of a home, garden, restaurant, development or public space invites people to want to stay somewhere and interact.

4.Do people associate your home with any type of identity when they think about it or when they come to it? – Whether your home is a tiny loft or an expansive and rambling villa, it has the character that you place into it through your furnishings as well as your personality.  Are you happy with the possessions that you have in your home?  Do you have a positive frame of mind in general?  Your attitude will impact the mood of your home and impact others who are in your home in a particular way.

All of us who live in a city or major metropolitan area appreciate how elusive the idea of community can be at times.  The question each one has to ask himself is:  ‘If I desire something more, what am I going to do to be a solution to this problem?’

Ideas for this article came from the Responsible Hospitality Institute – a presentation on The Sociable City) and http://phg.sagepub.com/content/31/1/7.full.pdf, http://www.crivoice.org/travelers.html, http://www.scu.edu/ethics/publications/iie/v11n1/hospitality.html


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The Tradition of Hospitality

Posted: April 1, 2012 by Chuck DeShazo